Cleanliness > Godliness

24/7 Service

Like many of our customers, our services never sleep - so whether you're a night owl or an early-bird catching your worm, we'll make your problem our problem.

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Thorough Cleanup

From DNA beneath the fingernails to a burning car at the bottom of a ravine, you can sleep easy knowing we leave no stone unturned to make it so you were never there.

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Full Anonymity

We know that privacy is important, which is why our strict 'don't ask - no eye contact' policy will ensure that mum's the word when it comes to your motives.

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DIY Alibi

Prefer to focus on your art and leave the thinking to us? Our premium package guarantees an airtight alibi that'll convince even you.

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Loyalty Scheme

It's our business to keep you in business, so get the most out of your can't-stop-won't-stop attitude with our incredible loyalty scheme.

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About Us

What A Mess You're In

Uh oh. Now you've gone and done it. You've found yourself knee-deep in utter chaos. Between the footprints you left leading from the backyard all the way to the microfibres that found their way into the carpet from your roll-kneck sweater, you've created a real mess! If only there was a clandestine cleanup crew who could handle all of this - This is where we come in.

We'll Clean Up Your Chaos!

Look, we all have our moments of weakness, we're not here to judge. You've got enough on your plate to worry about and the law can be a real headache, so why not let us take care of the hard part. With our quick and efficient service, you can be sure that when all is said and done, the scene you created will be just as clean as your conscience.



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Muh brother Cleetus and I own a pig farm, and used to be a time that was the best way to dispose of things, but after Cleetus fell in the pig pen those pigs just up and lost their appetites for it. Thankfully, Abattoir Inc. solved muh problems, now me and muh pigs are happier than ever! RIP Cleetus.

- Gein Farms

I was understandably a bit dubious to the legitimacy of this company at first, but after seeing them in action I can say they are the real deal! Not only are they thorough and professional, but thankfully they're none too squeamish either. No more late nights for me, now I can go home, put on my false facade and be home in time to eat with the family! 10/10 will use again!

- Anonymous

Absolutely incredible service, would love to find where this company is located so I can give them my full appreciation and send them a card! You should probably include your full company address on your site for just such an occassion.

- Anonymous (not a cop)


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